giving up

sometimes I wonder why I keep trying. not in such a morbid way that I want to die or anything, but more in the way that I am tired of letting people kick me out of their lives. half the time it's not a kick, that would mean something, no its more of a fade with no explanation. that hurts worse. I have never thought that the people, other than my family, that I called friends actually felt the same way about me. maybe being a middle child means that I try to latch on to people that are just being nice. I have a hard time believing that people actually want to be in my life. I don't know how to change, my first thought was to cut everyone out of my life, but I don't know if I really want to do that. maybe I am just expecting too much from people. maybe its normal to not get any responses when you text someone even when you have given them so much over the years. maybe they never wanted you around to begin with. I mean they seem to have crapped on everything else in their lives, why not me too.

I wish I had the guts to move and start over. I would love to move to London and just start over. I have a friend in florida that invited me to live with her. I am just too chicken. I am single and have no responsibilities so I should be able to do it, but its scary. I have been away to college, I should be able to do this! but its so different. I have been to London and I absolutely loved it! I could see myself living there and Weston too. I just don't know how to go about it. its a big thing. the biggest. I would need to have plenty of money saved that's for sure. apparently it isn't as hard to get a dog into the uk anymore. I would still worry about him while we are actually flying, but maybe its do able.

I wish I felt comfortable enough with someone to actually talk to someone about this. instead I am here blogging about it. I am such a chicken. I think I don't really want to know the truth. I think that staying in tortured ignorant bliss is better. or at least I wish it was. such a sad existence. that's what I have, a sad existence.

People

I've been told that everyone has their free agency and you can't make people do what you want. I think that's stupid! If you know that doing something is going to be good for someone else then you should be able to make them do it! With this new incite I've decided to never have kids.
I'm not perfect, not at all. However it's hard to remember that when dealing with a person in my circle. When this person decides not to do something I immediately go on the defensive and I run to the extreme edge saying "then maybe this person shouldn't have chosen this new way to live because this person isn't doing what they are supposed to" I take it so personally when in the back of my mind I am telling myself that I'm not perfect either. That I've made the same mistakes. The back of my mind is obviously really far away cause I hardly ever get the message.
Parents deal with this all the time I know and that's the hard part, I'm not her parent and her parents don't support me or her. How do you fight that? How do you fight complacency? Let me tell you.....I don't know I'm still trying to fight the uphill battle. I guess when you love someone so much their mistakes turn into yours. Everything is personal because you love them. Love makes everything personal.
I try to remember that this one choice doesn't make all the other ones null and void. This is just one of many decisions that she has or will make. Try being the key word.

Trying to make it through

I haven't done this in a really long time. I've had some big changes in my life. I guess I decided to blog again cause I don't feel like I have someone I can just cry to about the things that are frustrating me. It's weird to think that typing up my feelings so that complete strangers to read would help, but it really kinda does. I guess that's why people write. So that they can vent and feel like they are being heard and understood even if its in the abstract.

I'm tired of feeling like the people in my life don't really want to be there. Not my family of course, but the other people that make up my circle. I'm tired of wondering if they are just humoring me. These feelings go back a long way, but lately it's been getting bad. I know it's because I'm letting it happen I just don't know how to stop it. I want to come first. Not in a selfish way, just in a couldn't someone call me first? Or come see me first? I don't know if I can ever remember a time that I truly felt like I was first. That someone thought of me before I thought of them. That is sad.

I have someone in my life that made a big change in her life a few months ago and at this point I don't know why. She made a life changing decision and now won't let that decision continue to change her life. I can't keep doing it for her, I know that, but how do you turn it off? How do I stop letting her decisions affect me so much? She's breaking my heart. I just don't know what to do anymore.

A little too long

I can't remember the last time that I posted anything. I can do this on my phone now so maybe that will help. Nothing too exciting going on with me. I will be going to Myrtle beach this summer with a couple friends. We are very excited about going. There is a lot to do there. They have amusement parks and water parks and a state park. It should be a lot of fun.
I am very sleepy right now but it is still to early for me to try to go to sleep. Plus I love the episode of psych we are watching.
I have some other exciting brews but I am not quite ready to share it yet. I will definitely blog about it when I am ready.

nasty, rainy day

so it is raining today. i awoke to thunder and lightning, which i really don't mind. this weather kind of fits my mood really well though. i am a little stressed out due to the fact that i don't have enough money to pay my bills and live and take care of the things that i have to take care of. i would get a third job, but i have worked too hard to get my hours at the other job, and i don't want to screw it up. sister number 2 has something for me it looks like though. her boss wants to change her cleaning lady and it looks like i will get to do it. cleaning once a week for a couple hours will fit it nicely with my schedule. hopefully i can start pretty soon.

i don't really have much more to say, which is sad, but what can you do?

the woes of work

so i am sitting here at work listening to teenage boys giggle like little girls. seriously. i have no idea what they are watching, but it apparently is hilarious.

i have decided that i like working with guys better than girls. atleast in the context of subbing for high schoolers. i have an easier time getting a lot of the guys to do their work than i do girls sometimes. i think it is a combination of a couple things, but it works for me. we have an auto tech department here and it is mostly guys. i love subbing for them. we have fun and laugh and they guys do what i ask them. most of the time. : ) girls just seem more content to talk to each other than worry about what i think about them or what i ask them to do. not all girls, but a lot of them. there is also a little bit of safe flirting that goes on with the guys. nothing sick or anything but still a little flirting.

one of the major bummers about subbing though is having to come up with things to do while watching them work. there aren't a whole lot things that you can do as a sub. i have taken to writing in my journal and writing my grandmother letters. i also stare into space alot. jk.

another problem is working two jobs when one of them requires early mornings and the other is late nights. needless to say i haven't had much sleep this week.

at the other job there is a countless supply of stupid questions and blank looks. i know you are probably confused that i am not talking about the subbing, but i am not. shocked huh. it is when people come in asking where they can get textbooks and you say the college bookstore, and they just look at you like you are insane. i know seriously, where do you get textbooks? uh, the college bookstore that is kind of their job. another favorite is when asking for a shakespeare play and using two titles to do it. "do you have hamlet by macbeth?" not even kidding they do ask that.

it is a wonder why i keep taking jobs that require me to talk to people. people are dumb. they say and do really dumb things alot. its amazing i haven't been fired for being rude and sarcastic to everyone that asks stupid questions.

new poem

so i have decided to share this with all of you, enjoy, and if you don't, don't tell me. :)

Frozen Prison

I sit, frozen in the moment
as ice forms around me,
holding my breathe in.
The thaw of spring is
in the nonexistent future-
my future.

All thoughts, all feelings,
encased in ice.
All, except those
I needed stunted the most-
you.

Visions of you,
visions of us,
torment me inside my prison.
My jailor is cold and unforgiving.

My frigid heart still beats for you,
slow, steady, and jaggedly.
The beating tears me apart.
You should not have power here
yet it beats for you, not for me-
for you.

so there it is. i hope you like it

i'm thinking of posting my latest poem, but i'm not sure if i really want too. i think it is one of my best, but if no one else thinks so what is that saying about my opinion? i will think on it and decide soon. stay on the edge of your seats!

two things

so i have noticed two things, one, i suck at blogging, and two i have nothing really important to say. yeah i can babble with the best of them, but who wants to read that? i know i don't. so i will just do some updates.

mom and dad are building a new house, and while it is getting done we have had to live in an apartment. soooo much fun. seriously. christmas in a three bedroom apartment with 12 people and two dogs. tell me you aren't jealous. so the house is going to be done on the 20th of this month. i am so excited! i am so done with apartment living. you might be wondering why i am still living with my parents, and so am i. just kidding. i know why, i just don't want to tell you. :)

i am still working two jobs and it is not so bad. sometimes i wish that i could work more so that i could afford to go to school so that i could then work more. but i would be doing something i actually wanted to do. crazy idea i know.

my baby has learned the comforts of sleeping on my bed with me. problems come two-fold. one, he has ripped the sheets due to his need to scratch before he lays down. two, he can now stand over me to wake me up. he did that this morning. nice. i of course am still able to ignore him. : )

strange man watching me leave

so i thought i would take a few minutes and write something. i am staying at my sisters apartment while she is out of town, and i noticed a weird man watching me this morning. i was getting ready to leave for work this morning and he watched me get in my car and and then started walking away. when i past him on my way out he was watching me. very weird. i am hoping it is just a parking thing, like i took his spot or something. creepy.

other than that not much going on. in the last two and a half weeks or so i have only slept in my bed three nights. before staying at my sisters place i was house sitting for a week. that house was creepy. huge and dark and empty. i made it though. i miss my dog. i am going out the house today and then sleeping over. i am a little nervous about creepy guy though doing something while i am gone. not enough to keep me here though.

i have been reading a lot lately. it goes in stages. sometimes i read more than others. lots of good books.!

summer plans

summer plans....i don't have any.

i have been trying to find a job for the summer, i really have, i have applied to three families for a nanny position and to the ymca. nothing so far. i really hate not knowing what i am going to be doing for long periods of time. i want to figure something out.

my sister and her family will be here in a couple weeks which means that things are going to be getting interesting around here. luckily i have other places that i can go. it is going to be cramped here, and the tv schedule will have to be set. i have summer shows that will not be messed with.

; ) it is going to take some getting used to to have three kids around. i have a feeling people will try to regulate my dog and that will not be going over too well. we shall see though.

right now i am waiting on a friend to get down with work so that we can go see hottie jake g in prince of persia. she had to work this morning and the dogs are going slow. hopefully she will get out soon. i have been waiting for so long to see this movie. the critics have not been too kind to it, but all i care about is the hotness factor! i know shallow, but oh so do not care!!! this summer will be pretty full as far as movies. i have the ateam, eclipse, beastly, the killers, ondine, harry potter sometime, so busy busy, and full of hotties!!

i lead a pretty boring life, but i have been waiting for a book to come in. it was supposed to be in on the 25th and it is not here yet. annoying. there are a few books that i am waiting for this summer. i know i get so excited though about what is coming out. i already have gotten and finished a few that i had been waiting on, they came out in april. now i wait for the next crop.

hmmm

so i still haven't had any luck with getting a job this week, i have one for later in may, but not this week. i have to remember to go to bed early tonight because fridays are usually really busy. i stayed up way too late last night..i was reading of course.!

i went to barnes and noble last night just cause and i ended up helping one of my co-workers with the info desk line. i am a sucker. i just hate seeing people waiting because when they wait they get nasty. so i told him he needed to bow down to me. he laughed....i was serious : )

i have worked out like three times this week already! i am up to 30 mins. each time. it doesn't sound like a lot, but it is for me. i think i will try for 40 mins next. i have been better about staying within my points this week too, so that is fabulous. i would like to lose 40 pounds, that is the long term goal, the short term is just 5 pounds so i know this works. we shall see!

it is the parentals anniversary today. 33 years, that is crazy, so are they. i am happy to say they love each other and their crazy kids. i know they will be married for another 33 years, no one else would have them : ) love them!

no job so i will blog

so i haven't had a job this week so far. i need at least two more this week, but i am not sure if that will happen. hopefully i can al least get one on friday. so since i don't have a job today and i don't feel like working out, my tummy is bothering me, i thought i would blog. i know i know i have so much to say..... well today i might. : )

my sister runs the yalitreview and asked me to review some books for her, i don't know if she realizes what she got herself into. any idea how many books i have read? no, well i don't either so this could be interesting. the numbers are in the really high bracket so she might be getting a few reviews. i will try to pick stuff that is not as well known. i have plenty.

on the job front i am not sure what i am going to do this summer. i don't have a job right now past the end of may. my sis wants me to be a nanny, apparently a lot of people need them in the summer. i help her with her people sometimes and the money is worth it, but i just haven't decided what i am going to do this summer. the fam is planning a trip at the end of june to see grandma and i want to go, but that would make having a new job difficult. so i need to decide what i am going to do about it.

the married sis and her hubby and baby are moving to texas!! everybody say hooray! we are all so excited! it will be hard for them to be away from his two other kids, but the move is for the best. now they just need to find jobs. which is easier here than where they are now if you can believe it. no worries they will be good.

well i better get to writing these reviews!

so....

thought i would take a minute and send a note out to the verse, things are going okay for me right now. i have been substituting pretty regularly which is nice. i still haven't been able to fix my car from last november, but honestly that is the least of my worries right now. i have so many books to read, i think people need to take a break from writing books to give me time to catch up on my reading. i really don't think that will happen though, jerks. my dog is doing well, we aren't as active as i would like, but with working so much i haven't had a lot of time. my life is full of work, reading, and friends right now so it is not too bad!

been too long

i wonder why i start things like this, because i never keep it up. i get so excited about something and then it fizzles. maybe it is because i don't do anything exciting. or at all. i am not sure. i will hopefully be taking a cruise in august if things go my way, which in all honesty doesn't really happen like ever. but i will proceed in life like i will get what i want. hope springs eternal like my dad always says.

i am going to start substituting soon. i am just waiting for my number. then i can get jobs. hopefully people will take lots of days off. my sis already got me a couple for feb. awesome. i just want to start, i hate waiting for things. ironically i don't have a whole lot of patience.

i did get to meet a really great author last friday. she wrote Hush, Hush. my sis was doing an interview with her and i got to tag a long. it was cool and she signed my book. it was fun. i have only met a couple famous people. i say famous because she is on the new york bestsellers list. i might get to meet ally carter too. it pays to have a sister who knows people.

i still haven't been able to get my car fixed, hopefully soon, i am tired of looking white trash. plus it is ugly, it just hangs there. i miss my hubcap too. i had some guy come up to me in a parking lot and tell me could fix it for pretty cheap. it sounded too good to be true. he is mobile so he would come to the house and do it. i am sorry the damage looks bad enough that i don't trust his assessment. i told him thanks and i would think about it. and i did think about it. i thought about it till i came up with no.

not very good at this

so i was thinking the other day that i am not very good at posting on my blog. it has been a crazy month so i should have been posting. the week after my birthday i had to get four new tires and a rim, and i still need a hubcap. then my dog started throwing up like every other day for a couple weeks, finally took him to vet, had to get xrays then a barium test with more xrays, and then surgery. we were worried he had something stuck in his stomach, but nothing. it was just irritated, and after the biopsy we found that he had a small amount of this bacteria that can lead to cancer so it was good that we did the surgery.

on top of all that, i was just in a car accident. at the time i was alone and everyone was telling me it was my fault. the whole time i was thinking "why" i didn't understand why it was my fault. after talking to the insurance company the next day they told me it was not my fault. load off of my mind. so needless to say it has been a hell of a month.

hopefully i can make it thru the next month.

been awhile

so it has been awhile since i have been on here. i just don't do much. nothing to write home about. i read, i have read about five or six books this week which honestly is kinda slow for me. school is okay i have A's in history and psychology. math not so much. i struggle to care about math, but that is not new.

my birthday was the 3rd of this month and that was good. i had mother make a fruit pizza since i am trying to not eat as much sugar. it was fabulous!! i still have a present coming this tuesday, it wasn't out in time for my actual bday so it will be this coming tuesday.

i had to get four new tires, and a rim on weds. that was fun. it was also a lot of money. God laughs at me.

too many opinions

i love how people who aren't mormon are "mormon experts". that is really quite interesting to me. you can't really call your self an expert when there are things that you don't know. we don't share everything with the public. you have to get to a certain point and age before you can "know everything".
i was reading an article on mormons and prop 8. "the evil take the truth to be hard". why is it that on private property we can't ask that people respect our beliefs? you are in utah you freaks! if you don't like it then get out! we were here first and most of the tourist places are private property so get off! it is very frustrating. sorry parents who have gay children, the rules don't change just because you didn't do your job right. cities were destroyed people. it is majority rule in this country folks. you people are not the majority. deal with it. kiss in your home, not my backyard, or place of worship.

waiting

i have never been good at waiting. i hate waiting. stuff that i want resolved right away but can't for whatever reason. i find that very irritating. i just want to get it done, and that is especially if it is unpleasant. i have no real problem waiting for my birthday or christmas, but something that is important and going slowly i find so hard.
like school i just want it to be started so that i am that much closer to being done. my sister and niece coming, i just want them here. money, i just want that now. i am not a very patient person a lot of the time. i should be, but i am not. i hate waiting on other people too. if something needs to be done i suck at waiting on another person to do it.
i had to write this down because of some stuff going on right now. just venting.

updates

i just wanted to write something real quick. my neice is doing better and will be coming to visit soon, and we are all excited about it. school will be starting soon. i need to go and get a parking pass and try to price my books. getting excited about school too.

we didn't have a computer for a few days and i never realized how much i use it until it is gone. i am so glad to have it back. i added some songs to my blog so i hope you enjoy! gotta go get ready for transformers!