giving up

sometimes I wonder why I keep trying. not in such a morbid way that I want to die or anything, but more in the way that I am tired of letting people kick me out of their lives. half the time it's not a kick, that would mean something, no its more of a fade with no explanation. that hurts worse. I have never thought that the people, other than my family, that I called friends actually felt the same way about me. maybe being a middle child means that I try to latch on to people that are just being nice. I have a hard time believing that people actually want to be in my life. I don't know how to change, my first thought was to cut everyone out of my life, but I don't know if I really want to do that. maybe I am just expecting too much from people. maybe its normal to not get any responses when you text someone even when you have given them so much over the years. maybe they never wanted you around to begin with. I mean they seem to have crapped on everything else in their lives, why not me too.

I wish I had the guts to move and start over. I would love to move to London and just start over. I have a friend in florida that invited me to live with her. I am just too chicken. I am single and have no responsibilities so I should be able to do it, but its scary. I have been away to college, I should be able to do this! but its so different. I have been to London and I absolutely loved it! I could see myself living there and Weston too. I just don't know how to go about it. its a big thing. the biggest. I would need to have plenty of money saved that's for sure. apparently it isn't as hard to get a dog into the uk anymore. I would still worry about him while we are actually flying, but maybe its do able.

I wish I felt comfortable enough with someone to actually talk to someone about this. instead I am here blogging about it. I am such a chicken. I think I don't really want to know the truth. I think that staying in tortured ignorant bliss is better. or at least I wish it was. such a sad existence. that's what I have, a sad existence.

People

I've been told that everyone has their free agency and you can't make people do what you want. I think that's stupid! If you know that doing something is going to be good for someone else then you should be able to make them do it! With this new incite I've decided to never have kids.
I'm not perfect, not at all. However it's hard to remember that when dealing with a person in my circle. When this person decides not to do something I immediately go on the defensive and I run to the extreme edge saying "then maybe this person shouldn't have chosen this new way to live because this person isn't doing what they are supposed to" I take it so personally when in the back of my mind I am telling myself that I'm not perfect either. That I've made the same mistakes. The back of my mind is obviously really far away cause I hardly ever get the message.
Parents deal with this all the time I know and that's the hard part, I'm not her parent and her parents don't support me or her. How do you fight that? How do you fight complacency? Let me tell you.....I don't know I'm still trying to fight the uphill battle. I guess when you love someone so much their mistakes turn into yours. Everything is personal because you love them. Love makes everything personal.
I try to remember that this one choice doesn't make all the other ones null and void. This is just one of many decisions that she has or will make. Try being the key word.

Trying to make it through

I haven't done this in a really long time. I've had some big changes in my life. I guess I decided to blog again cause I don't feel like I have someone I can just cry to about the things that are frustrating me. It's weird to think that typing up my feelings so that complete strangers to read would help, but it really kinda does. I guess that's why people write. So that they can vent and feel like they are being heard and understood even if its in the abstract.

I'm tired of feeling like the people in my life don't really want to be there. Not my family of course, but the other people that make up my circle. I'm tired of wondering if they are just humoring me. These feelings go back a long way, but lately it's been getting bad. I know it's because I'm letting it happen I just don't know how to stop it. I want to come first. Not in a selfish way, just in a couldn't someone call me first? Or come see me first? I don't know if I can ever remember a time that I truly felt like I was first. That someone thought of me before I thought of them. That is sad.

I have someone in my life that made a big change in her life a few months ago and at this point I don't know why. She made a life changing decision and now won't let that decision continue to change her life. I can't keep doing it for her, I know that, but how do you turn it off? How do I stop letting her decisions affect me so much? She's breaking my heart. I just don't know what to do anymore.

A little too long

I can't remember the last time that I posted anything. I can do this on my phone now so maybe that will help. Nothing too exciting going on with me. I will be going to Myrtle beach this summer with a couple friends. We are very excited about going. There is a lot to do there. They have amusement parks and water parks and a state park. It should be a lot of fun.
I am very sleepy right now but it is still to early for me to try to go to sleep. Plus I love the episode of psych we are watching.
I have some other exciting brews but I am not quite ready to share it yet. I will definitely blog about it when I am ready.

nasty, rainy day

so it is raining today. i awoke to thunder and lightning, which i really don't mind. this weather kind of fits my mood really well though. i am a little stressed out due to the fact that i don't have enough money to pay my bills and live and take care of the things that i have to take care of. i would get a third job, but i have worked too hard to get my hours at the other job, and i don't want to screw it up. sister number 2 has something for me it looks like though. her boss wants to change her cleaning lady and it looks like i will get to do it. cleaning once a week for a couple hours will fit it nicely with my schedule. hopefully i can start pretty soon.

i don't really have much more to say, which is sad, but what can you do?

the woes of work

so i am sitting here at work listening to teenage boys giggle like little girls. seriously. i have no idea what they are watching, but it apparently is hilarious.

i have decided that i like working with guys better than girls. atleast in the context of subbing for high schoolers. i have an easier time getting a lot of the guys to do their work than i do girls sometimes. i think it is a combination of a couple things, but it works for me. we have an auto tech department here and it is mostly guys. i love subbing for them. we have fun and laugh and they guys do what i ask them. most of the time. : ) girls just seem more content to talk to each other than worry about what i think about them or what i ask them to do. not all girls, but a lot of them. there is also a little bit of safe flirting that goes on with the guys. nothing sick or anything but still a little flirting.

one of the major bummers about subbing though is having to come up with things to do while watching them work. there aren't a whole lot things that you can do as a sub. i have taken to writing in my journal and writing my grandmother letters. i also stare into space alot. jk.

another problem is working two jobs when one of them requires early mornings and the other is late nights. needless to say i haven't had much sleep this week.

at the other job there is a countless supply of stupid questions and blank looks. i know you are probably confused that i am not talking about the subbing, but i am not. shocked huh. it is when people come in asking where they can get textbooks and you say the college bookstore, and they just look at you like you are insane. i know seriously, where do you get textbooks? uh, the college bookstore that is kind of their job. another favorite is when asking for a shakespeare play and using two titles to do it. "do you have hamlet by macbeth?" not even kidding they do ask that.

it is a wonder why i keep taking jobs that require me to talk to people. people are dumb. they say and do really dumb things alot. its amazing i haven't been fired for being rude and sarcastic to everyone that asks stupid questions.

new poem

so i have decided to share this with all of you, enjoy, and if you don't, don't tell me. :)

Frozen Prison

I sit, frozen in the moment
as ice forms around me,
holding my breathe in.
The thaw of spring is
in the nonexistent future-
my future.

All thoughts, all feelings,
encased in ice.
All, except those
I needed stunted the most-
you.

Visions of you,
visions of us,
torment me inside my prison.
My jailor is cold and unforgiving.

My frigid heart still beats for you,
slow, steady, and jaggedly.
The beating tears me apart.
You should not have power here
yet it beats for you, not for me-
for you.

so there it is. i hope you like it