giving up

sometimes I wonder why I keep trying. not in such a morbid way that I want to die or anything, but more in the way that I am tired of letting people kick me out of their lives. half the time it's not a kick, that would mean something, no its more of a fade with no explanation. that hurts worse. I have never thought that the people, other than my family, that I called friends actually felt the same way about me. maybe being a middle child means that I try to latch on to people that are just being nice. I have a hard time believing that people actually want to be in my life. I don't know how to change, my first thought was to cut everyone out of my life, but I don't know if I really want to do that. maybe I am just expecting too much from people. maybe its normal to not get any responses when you text someone even when you have given them so much over the years. maybe they never wanted you around to begin with. I mean they seem to have crapped on everything else in their lives, why not me too.

I wish I had the guts to move and start over. I would love to move to London and just start over. I have a friend in florida that invited me to live with her. I am just too chicken. I am single and have no responsibilities so I should be able to do it, but its scary. I have been away to college, I should be able to do this! but its so different. I have been to London and I absolutely loved it! I could see myself living there and Weston too. I just don't know how to go about it. its a big thing. the biggest. I would need to have plenty of money saved that's for sure. apparently it isn't as hard to get a dog into the uk anymore. I would still worry about him while we are actually flying, but maybe its do able.

I wish I felt comfortable enough with someone to actually talk to someone about this. instead I am here blogging about it. I am such a chicken. I think I don't really want to know the truth. I think that staying in tortured ignorant bliss is better. or at least I wish it was. such a sad existence. that's what I have, a sad existence.